This is a critical time in America. Many things are at risk and our greatest adversary might be our own ambivalence. This post is the first in a series of articles intended to start conversations and inspire action. Please pass it on.
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I believe fiercely in freedom. Freedom of thought, freedom of religion, freedom of speech. Freedom of self expression. Freedom of choice.
...Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand, a mighty woman with a torch whose flame is imprisoned lightening, and her name, Mother of Exiles...
I wasn't alive during the women's movement or desegregation so I don't know what the nation feels like when its human rights spirit swells to its full and mighty self. And I don't know what caused it to quiet and rest for decades as we ordered our straights not to ask and our gays not to tell.
I can feel America swelling. Gay rights is headlining the news with greater and greater frequency. Should a lesbian be a Boy Scout den mother? Should gays be protected under anti-discrimination laws? Should gays be allowed to marry? Should company benefits be extended to the spouses of gay employees?
For a long time I just shook my head and put down the paper or clicked to the next news story. I am ashamed. I cannot believe we are having these conversations as a nation.
But what do I contribute by shaking my head and turning away? My acceptance? My ambivalence? My permission?
...give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuge of your teeming shore...
For eighteen years DADT (Don't Ask Don't Tell) was the official policy of our military where closeted homosexuals were protected but openly gay members were not. From 1993 to 2011 we forced people to hide who they were. Formally in fact, as we enacted a law. We asked them to pretend they were something they were not. Women and blacks could never do that - they couldn't pretend they weren't black or that their gender was different, at least not for long - which is perhaps why their Constitutional amendments came much earlier than the gay rights one will.
...Send these the homeless, the tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!
The italic text in this article comes from a poem by Emma Lazarus called The New Colossus that adorns the Statue of Liberty. It embodies our national history, for this is the land people came to so they could be who they were without fear of persecution. In the 236 years since the Declaration of Independence was signed we have failed to overcome the prejudice and repression our very nation was created to abolish.
All men are created equal.
President Obama has announced plans to repeal the Defense Against Marriage Act that was signed into law in 1996. This law prevents same-sex partners from receiving spousal social security benefits as well as joint income tax filing. It's not really a life or death issue - no one will stop breathing because this law is in effect. But that it exists, that we formally and legally endorse inequality, erodes the spirit of America. It weakens her pulse and diminishes her strength.
We cannot be quiet on this issue any longer. Every one of us must be an active and vocal guardian of human rights in whatever large and small ways we can. The gay community deserves to be protected and acknowledged. They deserve the right to marry whomever they choose. It's not a religious issue. Its a human issue. It's about the right to be with and care for the people we love. We are all the same in this regard.
Find your voice.
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What can you do? Here are five simple actions you can take right now:
1. Forward this to your network. Start the conversation.
2. Speak your heart. Defend human rights in your everyday conversations.
3. Write to your senator and ask that the Defense Against Marriage Act be repealed.
4. Get informed. Do your own research on gay rights in America.
5. Share your actions here on The White Paper (thewpaper.blogspot.com) in response to this post - I will celebrate and cheer you on.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
The Most Important Resolution We Haven't Started
Thank goodness its February. As the calendar turns, so does the emphasis on weightloss programs.
It's somehow become a part of our culture that weight loss is at the top of our collective list of New Year's Resolutions. And it roars during the entire month of January. Gym specials, Jenny Craig commercials, cover stories in magazines and newspapers, billboards, direct mail, commercials on the sidebar of Facebook enticing you to find out how Rachael Ray lost 40 pounds. I raced into my gym one day to sneak in 30 minutes on the treadmill and I couldn't get through the lobby - it was full of people with clipboards signing up for gym memberships.
I don't have to quote a bunch of statistics for you to believe me that America is overweight. We have been for some time. That too is all over the news. But let me ground you in the truth - two out of every three adults are obese; one out of every three children is obese. It's an epidemic just like tuberculosis and influenza were in their time. And just like TB and influenze, it is spreading. Silently. The Center for Disease Control has a great map that chronicles the spread of obesity across our nation over the past 25 years. It will shock you. And the trend you will see has resulted in a vastly sicker nation. Diabetes, heart disease, depression, asthma...it goes on and on.
Clearly the billions of dollars spent marketing weightloss programs every January aren't working.
Why?
1. Our love affair with dieting is based on vanity, not improving our health. We use misguided motivation like a class reunion, a wedding, a party. We do it because we want to look good. Perhaps the most famous example of today is Kate Middleton's infamous diet before her wedding. She was perfect and beautiful before - now she is two sizes smaller. Does that make her more perfect and more beautiful?
2. We have grown impatient as a nation - we want silver bullets, not perscriptions for self-discipline. We staple our stomachs, binge and purge, eat cabbage soup for 11 days, and buy toning shoes designed to lift our back sides. We make these choices because we don't want to make deep and important changes in our livestyles; we'd rather sit on the couch and watch others do it on The Biggest Looser.
3. We are not building communities of support. I recently read a great book called Change or Die. Its single message is that in order to make great change in our lives we must establish a community of support. We must surround ourselves with people that can help us change and encourage us every day. I love Michelle Obama's Let's Move campaign to raise a healthier generation of kids. She calls for specific actions from parents, schools, community leaders, elected officials, chefs, healthcare providers and kids; in essence, she has drawn the circle around the support community for our children. What does that look like for our adults?
There is no silver bullet for a healthier nation. So many things are working against us - mass media, powerful marketing, the very way our grocery stores are stocked and arranged. The Value Meal, Big Gulps, our own automobiles. To turn it into a New Year's Resolution is cowardice. And not one of us should stand for it.
It's somehow become a part of our culture that weight loss is at the top of our collective list of New Year's Resolutions. And it roars during the entire month of January. Gym specials, Jenny Craig commercials, cover stories in magazines and newspapers, billboards, direct mail, commercials on the sidebar of Facebook enticing you to find out how Rachael Ray lost 40 pounds. I raced into my gym one day to sneak in 30 minutes on the treadmill and I couldn't get through the lobby - it was full of people with clipboards signing up for gym memberships.
I don't have to quote a bunch of statistics for you to believe me that America is overweight. We have been for some time. That too is all over the news. But let me ground you in the truth - two out of every three adults are obese; one out of every three children is obese. It's an epidemic just like tuberculosis and influenza were in their time. And just like TB and influenze, it is spreading. Silently. The Center for Disease Control has a great map that chronicles the spread of obesity across our nation over the past 25 years. It will shock you. And the trend you will see has resulted in a vastly sicker nation. Diabetes, heart disease, depression, asthma...it goes on and on.
Clearly the billions of dollars spent marketing weightloss programs every January aren't working.
Why?
1. Our love affair with dieting is based on vanity, not improving our health. We use misguided motivation like a class reunion, a wedding, a party. We do it because we want to look good. Perhaps the most famous example of today is Kate Middleton's infamous diet before her wedding. She was perfect and beautiful before - now she is two sizes smaller. Does that make her more perfect and more beautiful?
2. We have grown impatient as a nation - we want silver bullets, not perscriptions for self-discipline. We staple our stomachs, binge and purge, eat cabbage soup for 11 days, and buy toning shoes designed to lift our back sides. We make these choices because we don't want to make deep and important changes in our livestyles; we'd rather sit on the couch and watch others do it on The Biggest Looser.
3. We are not building communities of support. I recently read a great book called Change or Die. Its single message is that in order to make great change in our lives we must establish a community of support. We must surround ourselves with people that can help us change and encourage us every day. I love Michelle Obama's Let's Move campaign to raise a healthier generation of kids. She calls for specific actions from parents, schools, community leaders, elected officials, chefs, healthcare providers and kids; in essence, she has drawn the circle around the support community for our children. What does that look like for our adults?
There is no silver bullet for a healthier nation. So many things are working against us - mass media, powerful marketing, the very way our grocery stores are stocked and arranged. The Value Meal, Big Gulps, our own automobiles. To turn it into a New Year's Resolution is cowardice. And not one of us should stand for it.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Frogs and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails Instead of Victoria's Secret
Nearly every week a new Victoria's Secret catalog arrives at my door - sometimes two at a time! They are gorgeous magazines with beautiful women and luscious lingerie. I am a good customer and have drawers full of lovely items baring their brand. Last week I called their 800 number and asked to be removed from their mailing list.
It isn't that I am opposed to their marketing. In fact, I find it empowering and beautiful. I wish more women would be comfortable in their bodies. To see page after page of women with daring eyes and barely-clothed bodies is inspiring. Love yourself. Feel comfortable in your skin. Be bold. You are powerful. The subtle marketing messages leap off every page.
But I have two small children at my house. A young girl and boy whose tender ages do not allow an adult understanding of the material. My son studies the catalogs when they arrive - sometimes he carries them around and picks out his favorite beautiful women. "Momma, I like that one," he says as he shows me the magazine and points. He is in preschool. And how shall my first-grade daughter interpret the material? At this moment she loves herself, feels comfortable in her skin, and is bold and powerful. The messages in the magazine leap over the next ten years of her development and are out of place, confusing.
When I was in college I remember the catalogs arriving in huge stacks to sit on the coffee table in the entry of my sorority house (stacks arrived at the fraternity houses too!). We devoured them, soft porn filling the minds of youth. We wanted to emulate those models and used their influence to bend the boundaries of our dress. Looking back on it, I'm not sure I felt empowered - I think I felt measured. I felt the competition of glamour and beauty and it magnified the cracks in my own confidence. Even in my early 20s I didn't have the capacity to receive the Victoria Secret marketing in a healthy way.
As a mother it is interesting to look at the world through the eyes of a fierce protector. It's the same world I stumbled through, though never with the wisdom and perspective I now wear. In the safe space of our home I want to shepherd my children through the rings of time and exposure in a sequential order that matches their maturity. My ability to do this diminishes with each day they grow older.
For now, there will be no more Victoria's Secret catalogs in my house. Perhaps they will begin to arrive again when my children are in high school so we can talk about them in a healthy way while they are still at home.
And then again, maybe not.
It isn't that I am opposed to their marketing. In fact, I find it empowering and beautiful. I wish more women would be comfortable in their bodies. To see page after page of women with daring eyes and barely-clothed bodies is inspiring. Love yourself. Feel comfortable in your skin. Be bold. You are powerful. The subtle marketing messages leap off every page.
But I have two small children at my house. A young girl and boy whose tender ages do not allow an adult understanding of the material. My son studies the catalogs when they arrive - sometimes he carries them around and picks out his favorite beautiful women. "Momma, I like that one," he says as he shows me the magazine and points. He is in preschool. And how shall my first-grade daughter interpret the material? At this moment she loves herself, feels comfortable in her skin, and is bold and powerful. The messages in the magazine leap over the next ten years of her development and are out of place, confusing.
When I was in college I remember the catalogs arriving in huge stacks to sit on the coffee table in the entry of my sorority house (stacks arrived at the fraternity houses too!). We devoured them, soft porn filling the minds of youth. We wanted to emulate those models and used their influence to bend the boundaries of our dress. Looking back on it, I'm not sure I felt empowered - I think I felt measured. I felt the competition of glamour and beauty and it magnified the cracks in my own confidence. Even in my early 20s I didn't have the capacity to receive the Victoria Secret marketing in a healthy way.
As a mother it is interesting to look at the world through the eyes of a fierce protector. It's the same world I stumbled through, though never with the wisdom and perspective I now wear. In the safe space of our home I want to shepherd my children through the rings of time and exposure in a sequential order that matches their maturity. My ability to do this diminishes with each day they grow older.
For now, there will be no more Victoria's Secret catalogs in my house. Perhaps they will begin to arrive again when my children are in high school so we can talk about them in a healthy way while they are still at home.
And then again, maybe not.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Hey! Unto You
Do yourself a favor this holiday season and go find a copy of Barbara Robinson's The Best Christmas Pageant Ever. I know you read it a long time ago - I did too - but it is worthy of your attention again now as an adult no matter your religious bent.
A neighbor of ours gave the book to my daughter this season and since my daughter was home with the flu one day, we sat down and read the whole thing front to back. The book is about a Christmas pageant somewhere in small town America where the church community is up in arms because a young family of riffraff has taken over the pageant. The story is so funny that I had to put it down several times because I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe.
It isn't the humor though that prompts my urge to you - it is the greater message of how our society has romanticized the story of an event that, while miraculous and monumental, was lowly and hard. "You hear all about the nice warm stable with all the animals breathing, and the sweet-smelling hay - but that doesn't change the fact that they put Mary in a barn," says the mother late in the story.
Away in a manger, no crib for a bed (hum along)...
The Christmas Pageant is, of course, about the birth of Jesus. But the protagonist, a young school girl, comes to a poignant understanding; "It was about a new baby, and his mother and father who were in a lot of trouble - no money, no place to go, no doctor, nobody they knew." We would do well to remember that as we put up our own nativities this season.
This story is about humility, generosity, kindness, and truth. It will ground you during this time of harried shopping and baking and flare. Make time to read it - I promise you'll be glad.
A neighbor of ours gave the book to my daughter this season and since my daughter was home with the flu one day, we sat down and read the whole thing front to back. The book is about a Christmas pageant somewhere in small town America where the church community is up in arms because a young family of riffraff has taken over the pageant. The story is so funny that I had to put it down several times because I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe.
It isn't the humor though that prompts my urge to you - it is the greater message of how our society has romanticized the story of an event that, while miraculous and monumental, was lowly and hard. "You hear all about the nice warm stable with all the animals breathing, and the sweet-smelling hay - but that doesn't change the fact that they put Mary in a barn," says the mother late in the story.
Away in a manger, no crib for a bed (hum along)...
The Christmas Pageant is, of course, about the birth of Jesus. But the protagonist, a young school girl, comes to a poignant understanding; "It was about a new baby, and his mother and father who were in a lot of trouble - no money, no place to go, no doctor, nobody they knew." We would do well to remember that as we put up our own nativities this season.
This story is about humility, generosity, kindness, and truth. It will ground you during this time of harried shopping and baking and flare. Make time to read it - I promise you'll be glad.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
The Tiny Cracks in my Life
This posting is the outcome of a new bookclub I'm participating in called Fit Minded (www.fitminded.com) - it's a women's book club that promotes physical activity and wellness. I am part of a pilot test for a completely online program and submitted this essay for the book club blog. If you are inspired by my story, send an email to info@befitminded.com and ask to be a part of the research study - they are still taking volunteers and your dues will be waived.
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I was inspired by Dr. Huberty's earlier posting this month about the day she decided to give herself a break. I'm sure her message was really about giving yourself permission to take a day off but what really caught my attention is that her daily workout consists of a 50 minute walk and a yoga session. That's my ideal workout! For years I have been telling myself that wasn't enough - no, no, I really need to start running again. I need REAL cardio.
I hate running. I hate tredmills. I hate road races. I hate to sweat. I hate all of it.
A walk and a yoga session every day would be bliss for me. My big excuse is time. I don't have time for a walk and a yoga session. I am a working mother of two and my husband is often on the road during the week - somedays it is all I can do to make sure everyone has clean clothes, eats something, and gets in bed at a reasonable time...and then I usually fall asleep beside them! And how could I go for a walk when my husband is gone anyway - get a babysitter? Ha!
Today I came home for lunch, put my atheletic socks right on top of my black panty hose, donned my running shoes, and took the dog for a walk. I felt happy the whole time I was doing it. Walking IS good enough (thank you Dr. Huberty!), I DO have time for it, and it's great for my dog too! (My sneakers were remarkably more comfortable than my heels!). Tonight I will do one of my favorite 20 minute sessions from the YogaDownload podcast series and it will be a perfect day.
I can fit fitness into the tiny cracks of my life - I can prioritize how the small moments are spent so that at the end of each day I have done something important for myself. There IS time.
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I was inspired by Dr. Huberty's earlier posting this month about the day she decided to give herself a break. I'm sure her message was really about giving yourself permission to take a day off but what really caught my attention is that her daily workout consists of a 50 minute walk and a yoga session. That's my ideal workout! For years I have been telling myself that wasn't enough - no, no, I really need to start running again. I need REAL cardio.
I hate running. I hate tredmills. I hate road races. I hate to sweat. I hate all of it.
A walk and a yoga session every day would be bliss for me. My big excuse is time. I don't have time for a walk and a yoga session. I am a working mother of two and my husband is often on the road during the week - somedays it is all I can do to make sure everyone has clean clothes, eats something, and gets in bed at a reasonable time...and then I usually fall asleep beside them! And how could I go for a walk when my husband is gone anyway - get a babysitter? Ha!
Today I came home for lunch, put my atheletic socks right on top of my black panty hose, donned my running shoes, and took the dog for a walk. I felt happy the whole time I was doing it. Walking IS good enough (thank you Dr. Huberty!), I DO have time for it, and it's great for my dog too! (My sneakers were remarkably more comfortable than my heels!). Tonight I will do one of my favorite 20 minute sessions from the YogaDownload podcast series and it will be a perfect day.
I can fit fitness into the tiny cracks of my life - I can prioritize how the small moments are spent so that at the end of each day I have done something important for myself. There IS time.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Balance Your Life
I recently spoke to a group of young professionals about career development. Inevitably the topic of work-life balance came up as it always does. A conversation with a good friend today reminded me of it and now I share my response with you.
Work-life balance. I hear about it all the time. People seek it. People feel victimized by it. People think it's a myth. I think it's ridiculous.
You don't need work-life balance. You need to balance your life just like you balance your checkbook. You wouldn't go to the bank and say, "oh, I just couldn't say no. They just kept expecting more and more from me and I just couldn't say no." They'd laugh out loud and promptly close your account. You would be considered a risky investment and shown the door. Hear me now - you are a risk to yourself if you can't balance your life.
Life is the whole thing. We eat, sleep, love, breathe, dream, play, and work. Each is a part of the larger whole. To utter the term "work-life balance" suggests that your work is as large as your life; to lament that you've been defeated by it suggests that you've allowed your work to be larger than your life.
You have 24 hours to spend each day and you are in charge of how they are spent. Decide what is important to you and spend your hours with purpose.
Balance your life.
Work-life balance. I hear about it all the time. People seek it. People feel victimized by it. People think it's a myth. I think it's ridiculous.
You don't need work-life balance. You need to balance your life just like you balance your checkbook. You wouldn't go to the bank and say, "oh, I just couldn't say no. They just kept expecting more and more from me and I just couldn't say no." They'd laugh out loud and promptly close your account. You would be considered a risky investment and shown the door. Hear me now - you are a risk to yourself if you can't balance your life.
Life is the whole thing. We eat, sleep, love, breathe, dream, play, and work. Each is a part of the larger whole. To utter the term "work-life balance" suggests that your work is as large as your life; to lament that you've been defeated by it suggests that you've allowed your work to be larger than your life.
You have 24 hours to spend each day and you are in charge of how they are spent. Decide what is important to you and spend your hours with purpose.
Balance your life.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
The New York Times is Falling in the Polls
The New York Times has lost a bit of my admiration by publishing an opinion piece by Peggy Klaus called 'Neither Mice Nor Men' (March 5, 2010). The article is about women's inferior role in the work place and cites a corporate woman who says, "Even in this day and age, a guy barks out an order and he is treated like someone who is in charge and a leader. But when a woman communicates in the exact same way, she's immediately labeled assertive, dominating, aggressive and overbearing."
Let's be clear about something - ANYONE who barks out an order is perceived as assertive, dominating, aggressive and overbearing. Man or woman. Barking isn't widely regarded as the premiere way to treat teammates in the workplace. If we tolerate that we are all in trouble. It certainly isn't the posterchild for how to win friends an influence people!
Klaus goes on to say, "...you'd think that women could finally relax and stop worrying about how they are being perceived at the office. But women must still deal with a well-entrenched double standard when it comes to gender-acceptable behavior." So they kowtow. They button up. They hold back. They regret. They undercut their careers.
NO, NO, NO! This is 2011. There are women leading great, important nations today - Brazil, Germany, Argentina. Good God - do they kowtow? No they do not. They lead with purpose and with supreme interpersonal skills...so do all the men leading great nations. This isn't a double standard, it is THE standard, and such an old standard at that: Do unto others as you would have done unto you.
The article's culminating advice to women is as follows:
Ultimately, women must be more mindful and use greater finesse when conveying their messages. We need to become better chameleon communicators and to carefully read our audiences, adjusting our style to the circumstances.
No we don't. The golden rule isn't weighted by gender. To suggest otherwise is to throw us back in time and stunt the world's progress toward equality.
Klaus concludes the article with a little dance of retreat: "Let me be clear. I'm not asking you to give up your soul - but rather to exercise new communication muscles so you can be heard..." I cannot argue with the call to expand communication might - we all could use a little fine-tuning. But I will argue that the very word chameleon suggests that we be something we are not - that we change our colors to fit the scenery. A chameleon changes its colors when threatened - it blends in for protection. So shall we camouflage ourselves now, in the halls of our corporations and in the boardrooms we fill - in the boardrooms we lead!? Shall we not be who we are? Shall we fear for our survival?
'Neither Mice Nor Men' has made a mountain out of a mole hill (or a mouse hole). Klaus' call to sharpen our communication skills is lost in the victim mentality portrayed. She reintroduces the suffrage of our past in effort to sensationalize something in our present. Workplace communication is unisex - gender plays no role. We either treat each other with respect or we don't. And if we don't, perhaps the label of 'bitch' or 'jackass' is well deserved.
Read it for yourself and let me know what you think: Neither Mice Nor Men
Let's be clear about something - ANYONE who barks out an order is perceived as assertive, dominating, aggressive and overbearing. Man or woman. Barking isn't widely regarded as the premiere way to treat teammates in the workplace. If we tolerate that we are all in trouble. It certainly isn't the posterchild for how to win friends an influence people!
Klaus goes on to say, "...you'd think that women could finally relax and stop worrying about how they are being perceived at the office. But women must still deal with a well-entrenched double standard when it comes to gender-acceptable behavior." So they kowtow. They button up. They hold back. They regret. They undercut their careers.
NO, NO, NO! This is 2011. There are women leading great, important nations today - Brazil, Germany, Argentina. Good God - do they kowtow? No they do not. They lead with purpose and with supreme interpersonal skills...so do all the men leading great nations. This isn't a double standard, it is THE standard, and such an old standard at that: Do unto others as you would have done unto you.
The article's culminating advice to women is as follows:
Ultimately, women must be more mindful and use greater finesse when conveying their messages. We need to become better chameleon communicators and to carefully read our audiences, adjusting our style to the circumstances.
No we don't. The golden rule isn't weighted by gender. To suggest otherwise is to throw us back in time and stunt the world's progress toward equality.
Klaus concludes the article with a little dance of retreat: "Let me be clear. I'm not asking you to give up your soul - but rather to exercise new communication muscles so you can be heard..." I cannot argue with the call to expand communication might - we all could use a little fine-tuning. But I will argue that the very word chameleon suggests that we be something we are not - that we change our colors to fit the scenery. A chameleon changes its colors when threatened - it blends in for protection. So shall we camouflage ourselves now, in the halls of our corporations and in the boardrooms we fill - in the boardrooms we lead!? Shall we not be who we are? Shall we fear for our survival?
'Neither Mice Nor Men' has made a mountain out of a mole hill (or a mouse hole). Klaus' call to sharpen our communication skills is lost in the victim mentality portrayed. She reintroduces the suffrage of our past in effort to sensationalize something in our present. Workplace communication is unisex - gender plays no role. We either treat each other with respect or we don't. And if we don't, perhaps the label of 'bitch' or 'jackass' is well deserved.
Read it for yourself and let me know what you think: Neither Mice Nor Men
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